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Forgive me if im not too talkative over the next couple of days. Somehow I managed to get a sinus infection that, thanks to Lupus being an auto-immune disease, has also become a respiratory infection. So yeah, kinda sick as a god damn dog at the moment. But ill return messages as often as possible. Thanks for understanding.

I am listening to the Phobia album by Breaking Benjamin, and the song Had Enough started playing. Oh my gods. This is so fitting for my father.

OKay, so I think I will post about having Lupus, as it's one of the major factors in my life at this time. I am in the hospital. I have been on and off for nearly 3 years now. I have two out of the three major types of Lupus. In me it affects both my bones/joints and the soft tissue of the major organs. In me, it wreaks havoc on my lungs.



In the past 3 years, I have been on life support 4 times and been in a coma once for three months. With Lupus, there are a lot of ups and downs with my health. Lately its been a downward sweep. Hence the sighing. I sit here having to be on oxygen for the night.



Once the toughest things about this whole situation is how much time it has stolen from me. Even my younger brother - who is 5 years younger than I am - has his life heading in a cohesive and positive direction. He is married and they are expecting their first child at the end of October. And all of my friends are either married or in a committed relationship, most with kids, and all with their degrees and major careers in full swing.



It is most frustrating to sit here in this hospital bed and watch life go on for everyone at such a happy pace. I dont wish them ill, I merely wish that I had some positive things in my life as well.



I think the hardest part of all this is that my father's life is blissfully happy right now. Allow me to explain why that is so discouraging. My father is an abusive asshole. To say that he made my life a living hell would be to make the single greatest understatement of all time. He raped me for the first time when i was three years old. Hence the poem "Hands" I put in my profile. By the time i was five, the physical violence had escalated to the point where he threw me down a flight of 17 stairs mere weeks after my fifth birthday. And it only got worse from there.



I dont wish to post anymore about that at this time, but suffice it to say that sometimes it is incredibly disheartening to watch him flaunt his happiness at me, and act in front of his side of the family like he is such a caring father. He even got remarried while I was in ICU. He even sent a wedding invitation to my hospital room while i was still on life support, just days before the wedding.



So yeah, im having a rough night physically, and i just felt like getting all of this off my chest. If anyone has any comments or questions, feel free to message me.



*sigh*

lmfao...the bitch came back and down-rated me from a 2 to a 1 because i confronted him with it by leaving a message on his page...mind you, i didnt downrate him in return...i left the original rating of 10...just shows you his lack of class



Profile for wayne

wayne

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Date: 23:57:41 - Jul 17 2007

Rating: 1

Comment:

yeah, so i go to check my ratings so i can just visit all who stopped by, and lookie what i find. someone down-rated me from a 10 to a 2 because i wont cyber with them. gods, get over yourself. how very childish. you have just shown yourself to be anything but an old soul. blessings to you and harken my door no more.



/end rant.. lol